Expectations are Resentments-in-Waiting
We do it innocently enough… we make assumptions about how other people will behave. Our assumptions are based on how we think other people should behave – we EXPECT them to act in a certain way. Consider this example:
Joe decides to clean his apartment. After about an hour, he’s made a good dent but as he looks around the apartment it’s clear he still has a long way to go. At this point his roommate Mike comes home. Joe is surprised when five minutes later Mike emerges from his room in different clothes and announces, “I’m going to meet up with some friends. See you later!” Joe is surprised and disappointed as he assumed that upon seeing him cleaning Mike would jump in and help clean. As Joe continues to clean he gets more and more mad that he is left to clean the apartment on his own. Joe does not recognize that:
- While the apartment may need to be cleaned, he does not have to clean it now or at all; he is choosing to clean the apartment. Granted, living in a dirty apartment is not desirable but cleaning it is a choice just as when and how to clean it are choices.
- He did not ask Mike to help him clean. He just assumed that when Mike saw him cleaning he would jump in and help clean but Mike did not commit to helping clean the apartment or even know that Joe planned to clean it that day, so he made plans to meet up friends.
- He could have avoided this situation by asking Mike to agree upon a day and time when they would clean the apartment together.
While Joe stays home and cleans and sulks, Mike has a good time with his friends and is confused when Joe gives him the cold shoulder the next day.
As is often the case, in this situation Mike did not know about Joe’s expectation that he would help clean. They hadn’t discussed it and Mike hadn’t agreed to help. The problem with having expectations about how another person will behave in a given situation is:
- The other person may or may not know about our expectations.
- Since they typically don’t know about our expectations, the other person usually hasn’t agreed to act in the way we want them to behave – in other words, there has been no meeting of the minds.
- We simply assume and expect that they will conform to our expectations. Then when they don’t behave in accordance with what we expected, we may be disappointed, mad, angry and even resentful. As a result, we often spend a lot of time and energy being frustrated when other people don’t meet our expectations.
Having an expectation of how someone else will behave is a resentment-in-waiting.
Why set yourself up for disappointment?
Instead, focus on what you can control – manage your expectations of how other people will behave:
- If you have an agreement with another person, then it is reasonable to expect that the other person will act in accordance with your agreement.
- If you simply expect another person to act in a certain way in the absence of the other person agreeing to do so, then chances are strong that you will end up frustrated and may end up carrying the weight of resentment.
Expectations are resentments-in-waiting. Each day consists of 1,440 minutes. You may spend your time and energy fighting a losing battle or you may focus on what you can control.
It’s your life so, as always, the choice is yours.