7 Tips to Resolving Conflict
Isn’t it interesting that as a society we are drawn to TV shows like Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, House of Cards and even Judge Judy that are based on conflict and drama? Many people enjoy offering advice to others involved in difficult situations. As long as we can remain detached, we tolerate and even welcome conflict yet most people go out of their way to avoid addressing conflict in their own lives. Here a few examples:
Sara and Kate are friends who periodically meet for lunch. As she heads to lunch, Sara recalls that she paid for both lunches the last time she got together with Kate and she expects that Kate will pay for lunch. When the waiter asks if they want one bill or two, Kate says, “Two please.” Sara is annoyed but she does not say anything to Kate; what she does is avoid Kate’s future invitations to get together and over time they drift apart.
An employee named Tim works around the clock for months on a big project his manager delegated to him. The project has the potential to be a game changer for his company. He gives up time with friends and family, sleep, and tickets to see his favorite team play among other things but he tells himself that it’ll be worth it in the end once his company’s executive leadership sees the value that he added to the project. He presents his work to his manager, who thanks him but seems disinterested. After the project launched, he saw an e-mail string in which:
- His manager submitted the work to the executive leadership team without any reference to Tim. The tone of the note implied that the work was all hers.
- The reply from the CEO praises the manager for her tremendous contributions and hard work and promises that she will be rewarded with a bonus and a promotion.
- The manager responds and thanks the CEO. She makes no mention of Tim’s contributions to the project.
Understandably, Tim is furious. He debates whether he should talk to his manager but he no longer trusts her, approach the CEO but he doesn’t want to appear petty or just move on. He opts for the latter. He decides he cannot continue to work for his manager and he leaves the company. The company loses a valuable employee and Tim has to start over in terms of learning a new business and building his brand at his next job.
A man disagrees with his siblings’ plan to care for their aging father but rather than speak up he simply stops visiting his father because he does not want to risk running into his siblings. A year later the parent passes away. The man is heartbroken not only over the loss of his parent but because he feels like he was deprived of precious time with his father. After the funeral, the man never speaks to his siblings.
People avoid conflict for a number of reasons:
- To keep the peace
- Fear
- Lack of self confidence
- Previous poor experience with conflict
- Belief that conflict is bad – it’s not polite to agree
- People pleasing – don’t want to disappoint or anger others
- Habit
- Our brains present the situation as fight or flight and tell us to “stay safe”
- The stories we tell ourselves or buy into – “I’m a victim”, “He’s the villain”, etc.
- Lack of skill – we don’t how to start or have the conversation
That’s the problem. Let’s shift our focus to the solution. One thing I can tell you for sure is – nothing changes if nothing changes. If you want to stop avoiding conflict and start approaching it in a way that creates positive outcomes, there is a 3-step process:
The first step is awareness – recognizing that:
- A situation is causing you angst; and
- You have a choice as to whether to address the situation with the person or people involved or avoid it.
If you have avoided conflict for most of your life, you may not recognize that you can address the situation in a way that leads to a positive outcome but it is absolutely possible.
The second step is willingness – you have to be willing to address the situation. Think about every conversation that you fear having as a negotiation and then heed the advice of President John F. Kennedy, “Let us never negotiate out of fear but let us never fear to negotiate.”
If you are willing to have a conversation and address the conflict, that brings us to the third step –knowing how to start and conduct a conversation to address a difficult situation is a skill.
“Conflict avoidance often creates greater conflict.”
– Bryant H. McGill
Note: The primary focus of this post is to help people who avoid conversations they anticipate will be difficult but the following tips will also help people who don’t shy away from addressing conflict but who are not effective in conducting those conversations.
Here are 7 tips that will help people who avoid conflict and those who want to become more effective at resolving conflict:
- Know what you want – be clear about what you want before you initiate the conversation
- Assume positive intent – most people do not get out of bed thinking of ways they can make your life more difficult; often times they aren’t thinking about you at all, they are simply doing whatever makes sense to them from their perspective.
- Practice speaking the words – ask a friend, manager or coach to role-play with you and practice actually speaking the words you plan to say to the person – it will be time well spent!
- Demonstrate Respect – remember your goal is to improve the situation, being aggressive and/or disrespectful will not serve you well
- Talk straight - when you initiate the conversation, don’t tip toe around the topic.
- Be transparent – by opening up to the other person about how you see the situation and what you need, you increase the likelihood of them opening up and working with you to create a solution that allows you to move forward.
- Seek to create a mutually beneficial outcome – something that works for both/all sides.
Each day consists of 1,440 minutes. We all encounter conflict. It’s part of life. The next time you encounter conflict, will you initiate a conversation to address it or will you avoid it?
It’s your life so, as always, the choice is yours.